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I think I have made peace with myself about the “about me” problem. I have decided that the majority of people are content to state their feelings about various issues, that’s good enough for me at this point; anything is better than that highbrowed philosophical BS. I feel very stereotypical most of the time. But if I had to state my feelings about life and myself right now, I would say that I am infatuated by flux, paradox or any sort of contradiction. Maybe because I myself am a walking contradiction, I don’t know. It just seems so innately human to contain many contradictions. It’s not even something as mystical as Yin and Yang, though it could be. Nor is it something as inherently wrong as your typical hypocrite. Honest paradox almost relishes in its existence. The doctrine of the Trinity is based on what can be seen as a paradox; though the church calls it a “mystery”. Either way, contradiction and flux in humanity is something to be cherished in just the same way.

What I like in myself as well as in others is the ability to not be monochromatic, I suppose one could say that anyway. I like the ability to be so many different things, but above all, introspective and thoughtful. I like that I can be intelligible to a whole array of people; and am able to converse on plenty of topics. I am someone who really enjoys conversation. Nothing is better to be with a close friend or a total stranger and be able to have discourse on anything from football, to philosophy to history to theoretical physics. At the same time, so often I would just prefer to be a kid. I like being goofy, not having to think, and just able to react and laugh at myself and other things. I like either, but I don’t feel that one should trump the other. Somewhere, I think, there is a good balance. I don’t know where it is, but I’m working on it.

I enjoy being close to people, and really knowing them. I, like everyone, have the capacity for highs and lows. I can be apathetic just as often as I can be vigorous. Sometimes I try too hard and other times not at all. I enjoy meeting new people, but don’t do that too often. When I really want something I can be extremely persistent, but if I lack the desire then I can rarely just make myself do anything. I appreciate sentimentality, and I often I feel the strangest things tug on my heartstrings. I enjoy the little things, and at the same time I miss them too often. I suppose I am a hedonist, if only in the sense of anyone who follows after what makes them happy. I have the ability for selflessness, and genuinely enjoy making others happy; but that impulse gets pushed aside on occasion. I take pleasure in my cynicism, and can be overtly glib in the worst times for it. I guess that’s how most people are, and I am not particularly unique, which is fine.

I used to hate change almost reflexively. I’m not sure why, but I have changed- in an ironic twist. Change is obviously necessary; as the old cliché goes “the only thing that is constant is change”. On a slightly related note I’d like to think that love is something sustainable; I know that it exists, inasmuch as any altruism actually exists. Love must exist, or my hopeful side is going to be rather disappointed. Nevertheless I am confronted by my ability to be manipulative just as often as my ability to be genuinely kind. I suppose I ponder things to much; or do I? I am prone to fits over analysis, of lack of discretion, and complete apathy. I can get wrapped up in self importance. Of course it would seem that when this happens I get cut down to size rather quickly. I see this as natural, welcome and healthy to some extent.

As a general rule, you should either take me seriously, or you shouldn’t, but certainly one of the two.

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