Just some thoughts that I find interesting

Dear Daddy,

I love you very much, and I know that this is hard for you to read, and my recent confessions are amazingly difficult to take. I know and appreciate all of the hard work that you have done for me over the years to make my life so much easier than it could have, or perhaps should have been. I know that without you there is no way I could have had all of the comforts that made me grow so overly self confident, and willing to push the envelope to see how close i could come to failures door. I know that you have always counseled me to concentrate on my goals and to see them through, and I have always tried listen and remember them well. Furthermore, I know that you love me, and I am sorry for all of the trouble that our imperfect relationship has endured. I know that I share a great deal of the responsibility for that. I can be a real jerk so often- especially with all of the stupid sports stuff that often caused bitterness, though that did go both ways.

Further, I do know how fortunate I am to be where I am right now, at a good solid school with good people surrounding me. I am very lucky to be here, and I recognize that. For the first 2 1/2 years I have tried to make the absolute most of my chances. Though I didn't always do as well as I could, I still did quite well. I owe a great deal of my drive and concentration to you. Thank you for always encouraging me and making it so that all I had to do was school, I never once worried about money, food or any of the other things that so many of the people around me were constantly worried about. But nevertheless, in this which would have been my last semester I have come up short. I have indeed made the mistakes for myself that I should never have made.

What has happened, is certainly inexcusable but it is what it is. I have blown off my senior thesis, run from history, burned bridges that cannot be mended and left me with no recourse but do something other than graduate school in the fall. I have come to the point where I know I can't turn back. I really wouldn't want to either, because I know that it isn't for me. I know that chances are there are some deep seated issues as to why it is that it occured-but that's not particularly important. What is important is what has transpired, I have done exactly what I should not have done- tripped up greatly in what would be my final semester. How did I let this happen? The fear that I spoke of has been crippling, that is certainly the case. Also, I have done everything in my power to keep me occupied in order to not worry about the consequences of my own laziness. Frankly, I have done all in my power to fail, and done an excellent job of it.

What does this mean? Well, first of all, I know that I have failed my thesis class by complete neglect. Please don't bother to try and figure out ways for me to complete it, I have already missed several deadlines, it isn't going to be revived. It speaks volumes about my ability for graduate work, that my first independent research project would fail so fantastically, due to my own laziness. I think that says alot of my maturity and ability to do graduate work in general. Though I might talk a good game, I couldn't sustain it to save my life. However, I am doing reasonably well in my other classes, so there is still some hope for me I suppose.

I have been thinking of the reasons why I headed down this road, but I realize that the possibility for this has always been there. I am certainly capable of great things, this I know. But by the same token, I have the ability to not live up to my potential at all. I am all too often ok with just getting by, and sometimes I don't get by at all. So, I have had a major collapse, despite everyone telling me that I can't fall apart, need to focus, need to see this through. Well, I didn't. I lack a great deal of maturity, and it has come to hurt me in a way that I have never experienced before. However, I would like to say that I am not going through this to spite you or anyone else. I'm sorry if all of this hurts you, I know it will. However, I have done this to me and to no one else. There must absolutely be a reason for all of this, and I know that things can always turn out better.

Two things, I don't like to work, and I don't like change. These two have worked together, and I have chose to be where I am. I make no excuses for it, I have completely done it to myself, no extenuating circumstances, no external hardships-nothing of the sort. You and my mother have both done exceedingly good jobs making my life extremely hardship free. Honestly, the most difficult thing I have experienced, the divorce, even that was handled delicately and in a way which minimized hardship on us, which of course I am extremely thankful for. However, the blessing is often a curse, and I have never enjoyed getting my hands dirty, as they say. Also, thanks to your genes, I am pretty intelligent, and have been able to get by and excel rather easily on natural ability. But, when the going gets tough, I would prefer to find the path of least resistance, and that has obviously hurt me. I am afraid of change, in a profound way, that I have refused to shake, but know I must. However, this impulse has worked against me, as i have allowed it free reign.

All of this means one simple thing, or at least it could be interpretted as such: I failed, in a large and profound way. I had a goal for my life, and I failed to complete it. This is quite obviously not a good thing at all. In fact, its deplorable, in some sense. I know that there are immense consequences, and I am preparing myself to accept them. I can tell you now, that my plan is to continue as an undergrad for one more year, to complete a double major in philosophy, and to earn a teaching certificate, so I can have a career of some sort. I really honestly don't know where I am going to go from here in the long run. I know that I must absolutely jettison the plan that I came into the semester with. I am optimistic for the future, but obviously I must move forward and do things completely differently than I have to get me to this point.

Obviously, it does me no good to just continue with my life just as I have with all of undergrad- babied, and such. I know that you certainly expected something of me, that I am not doing, and I am sorry that it happened in such a way. I do know though, that if my life were to continue down the road that I was on, I would never have the sense of achievement that I would want, and apparently do want. In the past, I have been been intermittently tormented by the fact that I can receive accolades for my achievements, even when I know I did not put forth a worthwhile effort. While this speaks well of my ability, it speaks very poorly of my character. Sure, it is true that I could have, and perhaps should have done a same old, same old half ass job on my thesis- and made it to graduate school, where I either would have shaped up in a hurry or failed. But really, in the long run, it doesn't matter if it happened now or sometime in an imaginary future. It did happen now, so where do I go.

Since it seems that I will be going to FSU again next year, I am finally forced to do things for my own, in just the same way as if I were in graduate school. I won't be living in the dorms anymore (about time, though I have appreciated the opportunity to have a room payed for by you), I will certainly be working, and will soon be getting a job, because I know I HAVE to now. I will be paying my living expenses just the same, because I know that I need the opportunity to fail, and to have it be tangible. Also, for this summer, I am not sure what exactly I will be doing, but I know that it will not be like the lazy summers past, I will either be in Tallahassee, or in Jacksonville working and living.

However, I don't want to come off with unrealistic representations of what my next year will be like. Of course, while I will be doing things on my own, I fully expect to enjoy myself, and to have a good time like I always have. Thats all part of being human as well. I just know that this time, there will be actual responsibilities there, and for the first time I will be an actual adult, not a faux adult that i have survived for so long as. I think that this will be a good thing, and I think being honest with myself about who I am is completely worth this experience.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with a bit of optimism. I am only 20 years old. I have made a huge mistake, and I have caused problems. I don't have life nearly as figured out as I thought, and frankly I am ok with that. I have plenty of potential still, and though it seems that this goal is gone from me, that doesn't mean that I cannot live a fantastic life. I have to believe that God has a plan, because if I didn't believe that in my core, then I couldn't imagine living right now at all, I mean that literally and sincerely. I want to again say that I am extremely sorry that things have come to this. Also, I am sorry that the news probably seems to be coming out of no where. I have always been good at putting a good face on things when I don't have it together at all. I guess this is the greatest of those times. I have to face myself sometime, if I am ever going to be a man. Now is as good a time as any.

I recognize the danger of where I am, I know now that faced with real life it would be all to easy to just give up and go into a rut from which I may never come out of. I want to say that that shall not be my fate. I am willing to own up to where life takes me. I do ask for patience though, because I am a weak person, and very frail, as this semester has shown. I really don't know where I am going now, or where I am even supposed to go, or want to go. But, life is a process, I don't know where I am headed, but the fact that I have to do it, and will do it makes me happy. Of course, I could have been happy if I had done what I set out to do this semester, I realize that- however I made a mistake.

I cannot dwell on my mistakes and inadequacies, because that is no way to live. However, the best way not to dwell on them is when they are identified, to actually do something about them. The trick is identifying them. I have a terrible problem with being honest with myself, and justifying my mistakes and flaws. I am trying not to do that, but I am probably failing. If in the end, all that has done me in is indomitable laziness, well... so be it. No one mistake is the end of the world unless you let it. Will i think of what could have been often? Well, it is human nature. However, there will always be regrets, but that cannot be what is important. To me, the better angels of my nature would have me say that life is a process, goals are important, but so is being able to love yourself along the way. I know I made a huge mistake, with pretty damn big consequences. Now, all that I can do is brush myself off, face the future, and be happy that I am alive.

I really am happy, I am content. I am optimistic about the future. Maybe its because I know that I will be depending on my own, maybe alot of things. I really don't know. I kind of like that I don't know, as well. We will just see where life takes me. Because, still I am only 20 years old, and there is so much ahead of me. I'm sorry again about the email, I'm sorry I was never able to express these feelings except under the most dire circumstances. I hope that you will understand how it is i am feeling, and maybe if not why at least know that I will be ok, and I feel hope for the first time in a while. I love you both very much. This may be a very bad thing, but nothing of this sort is ever particularly permanent. I will live a happy and productive life either way. You have always said that as long as I am happy, you will be happy. I see this mistake as an opportunity for just that... a chance to open myself up to different paradigms that are unexpected. If I knew everything at 20, then that would be nice, but I don't so we will see what happens.

I love you, and thank you. I ask that you be patient with me, even though I may not deserve it. I would also ask that we not discuss this over the phone, because I don't believe I have the wits to do so right now. but, if you could please read and reread it a couple of times and respond I would appreciate it. Thanks, and I love you. I'm sorry that I may not be who you thought I was, but at least I am learning to be honest about who it is I am. That is a good thing in the long run.

Love,
Mitch

1.) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?
Always, it is a slow irksome process.

2.) Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Well, no, sorry.

3.) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercial?
No, Adam would start to think things, and might try to join me.

4.) Have you ever showered with a lover?
No...

5.) Have you almost drowned in your bathtub?
I wish I had a bathtub, but not to drown in.

6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
Nope.

7.) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
What is this soap you speak of?

8.) How old do you look?
I have a huge beard, so I guess I look old enough for 20.

9.) How old do you act?
depends on my mood. Most of the time I am pretty immature when I hang out with my friends, but at the same time, I can buckle down and act my age or whatever.

10.) What's the last song you sang?
Recall, by Brave Saint Saturn, driving home tonight.

11.) Have you recently become a member of anything?
uhm... I just joined a facegroup group... that counts right?

12.) What are your plans for the weekend?
Basketball, church, poker, maybe a party or something, maybe frisbee, or tennis (I doubt tennis).

13. Have you ever danced on a bar?
I can't dance to save my life.

14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?
Yes. No.

15.) Do you ever intentionally vomit after eating?
No, I like my insolatation
.
16.) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?
accountant.

17.) Have you ever called anyone a slut?
sure have I guess.

18) Have you ever been called a slut?
Not seriously I am sure.

19). Have you ever smuggled something into America?
Cigars I think.

20). Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
I love cute girls who play guitar. I am a sap.

21). Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
GO NOLES!

22). Have you ever finished off the popcorn?
Yes, I like to eat.

23). How many people would come to your funeral?
At least 5.

24). How many of them would come just to make sure you're dead?
Those 5.

25). Do you have more enemies or more friends?
I am not sure, I try to be anassuming around people, and people do tend to like me, so I'll say more friends.

26.) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?
Do letters from bill collectors count? If so, yes.

27.) Can you fix ur own car?
No, I suck.

28.) Have you ever turned someone down when they asked you to go out with them?
Never been put in that situation.

29.) Are you smarter than your friends?
I have damn smart friends, so no, but I do keep pace.

30.) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?
I have stolen a few hearts in my day...

31.) Have you ever been to jail?
nope.

32.) Should you have?
sure, but I am a smooth criminal.

32.) Do you like the taste of beer?
Not until recently have I been able to appreciate it, still I much prefer a nice red wine.

34.) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?
No, but it is my dream to kill someone, or die.

35.) Have you ever given to charity?
Yeah, its been a while though.

36.) Would you kill a dog for $10000?
Wow, I have never had to pay that much to kill a dog. Oh, what? You'll pay me!?! I'm down, where do I sign?

37.) Do you sometimes get depressed?
I have my weekly bouts with "emo-Mitch", it sucks and is pretty retarded.

38.) Do you live with your parents?
Nope, New Hall!

39.) Do you have plans for your future?
ugh... grad school, real life.



X MARKS THE SPOT
You are
[] short, under 5'4"
[] 5'4 - 5'6"
[] 5'6.1 - 5'6.11"
[X] 5'7" - 6'0"
[ ] tall 6'1" and up

NATURALLY
[ ] light blonde
[] dirty blonde
[ ] redhead
[] brunette
[] light brown
[X] dark brown
[ ] black

[X] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[X] green-eyed
[ ] green/brown-eyed
[ ] gold/gray-eyed
[ ] silver/gray- eyed
[ ] blue/green-eyed
[ ] blue/gray-eyed
[ ] hazel

[ ] glasses (reading only)
[ ]glasses
[ ] contacts
[X] none

[X] short hair
[] medium hair
[] long hair

Your favorite color(s) are?
[] red
[ ] khaki
[] Aqua
[] pink
[] hot pink
[ ] yellow
[] black
[] green
[ ] lime green
[] blue
[ ] white
[ ] turquoise
[] silver
[] purple
[ ] brown
[] orange
[ ] gray
[ ] maroon
[ x] gold
[X] garnet
[]clear
[ ] don't really care
[ ] I don't believe in favorite colors
[ ] RAINBOW!!!!!!!

Some things you've done?
[] ice skating
[ ] hiking
[] kayaking
[] rafting
[x ] water skiing
[] camping
[] horseback riding
[ ]bodyboarding/surfing
[ ] skim/wake boarding
[] snowboarding
[] skiing
[] skateboarding
[ ] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics
[] martial arts
[ ] baton twirling
[X] swimming
[] canoeing
[] fishing
[] rollerblading
[ ] skydiving
[ ] bungee jumping
[ ] base jumping
[] rock climbing
[] dancing
[] parasailing
[] jetskiing
[] Kickboxing
[] workout/lift
[] snorkeling
[ ] scuba diving
[] boating

Your personality is sometimes...
[x] talkative
[X] shy
[X] funny
[X] serious
[X] laid back
[] strict
[] hyper
[X] weird
[] ditzy
[X] sarcastic
[] slow

you like listening to?
[] pop
[ ] country
[x ] christian
[x] classical
[x] piano
[ x] violin
[] techno
[] trance
[x] oldies
[] opera
[X] 80's
[ ] disco
[] hip hop
[ ] rap
[x] classic rock
[X] rock
[X] punk
[X] metal
[x] goth
[] industrial
[x ] screamo
[] reggae
[ ] slow jams and r&b
[ ] spanish
[ ] japanese
[X] folk/indie
[xoriginal/local band scene

The pets you have had?
[X] cat(s)
[x] dog(s)
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] ferret(S)
[ ] bunny(S)
[] fish
[ ] duck
[ ] horse
[sister ] bird
[ ] frog
[] hermit crab
[] turtle
[ ] hamster
[ ]snake
[ ] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[ ] cow(s)
[ ] pig
[ ] goat
[ ] chinchilla
[ ] tarantula
[ ] geese
[ ] chicken
[ ] hedgehog
[ ] none
[ ] mice

Clothing Brands you like?
[] Delia's
[] American Eagle
[] Hollister
[ ] The Buckle
[] Abercrombie & Fitch
[] Target
[ ] Wal-mart
[] Wet Seal
[] Forever 21
[ ] O'neil
[] PacSun
[] Gap
[] Banana Republic
[ ] Aeropostale
[ ] Dickies
[ ] Quicksilver
[ ] Anchor Blue
[] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[] Roxy
[ ] Goodwill
[] Ross
[] old navy
[] Victoria's secret
[ ] Anne Taylor/ Anne Taylor Loft
[] BeBe
[ ] Kenneth Cole
[ ] Versage
[] Rampage
[] Mudd
[ ] Talbots
[ ] JLo Brand
[ ] Playboy Brand
[ ] Tommy
[x] Polo/Ralph Lauren
[x] Others not named here


Shoe Brands?
[] Flip-Flops
[] Nike
[] Adidas
[] Reebok
[] Billabong
[] Roxy
[] Puma
[ ] Jack purcells
[] Uggs
[ ] Etnies
[ ] Reefs
[] Converse
[] K Swiss
[ ] Adio
[ ] DC
[ ]Emerica
[ ]eS
[X ] vans
[] New Balance
[ ] LEI
[] Sketchers
[]Payless
[] Rocket Dog
[] Steve Madden
[] Others not named here

your confessions:
[] I'm afraid of the quiet
[] I am really ticklish
[] I'm afraid of the dark
[]I've collected comic books
[ ] I've collected Manga
[ ] I shut others out when I'm sad
[x] I open up to others easily
[] I don't trust easily
[x] I read the newspaper
[x] I love Disney movies
[x] I am a sucker for eyes
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[] I have "x"s in my screen name
[] I bake/cook
[x] I have worn pajamas to class
[ ] I love Martha Stewart
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[X] I love to laugh
[] I drink alcohol on a regular basis
[ ] I smoke cigarettes
[] I can't swallow pills
[] I bite my nails
[] I play computer games when I'm bored
[] Gotten lost in the city
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[x ] Made out in an elevator
[] Bitten someone
[x] Dressed up like a guy/girl
[ ] Egged a house/car
[ ] Smashed into a car
[ ] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping
[] Given a lapdance

Have you ever...
[X] Danced in the rain
[x] Seen a shooting star
[] Proposed to anyone
[x ] Gotten stitches
[x] Eaten Sushi
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[X] Ridden in a taxi
[] Been on a cruise ship
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[X ] Been on a Plane by yourself
[X ] Had surgery
[] Seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[X] Been on stage
[X] Peed somewhere other than a toilet
[ x] Gotten a black eye
[] Memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[x] Watched an entire baseball game
[] Gone sledding down a snowy hill
[ ] Been in a helIcopter
[ ] Seen a volcano
[X] Been ontop of a mountain


Do you like...
[X] old movies
[ ] vintage cars
[X] blasting music in your car
[X] foreign foods
[] anime
[X] Winter Holidays
[x] donuts
[X ] animals
[X] coffee
[X] tea
[] broadway shows
[X] concerts
[] clubs
[x] traveling
[] bugs
[x] red wine

Have you ever been to...
[ ] Australia
[ ] England/UK
[ ] Ireland
[ ] France
[ ] Germany
[] Mexico
[ ] Poland
[ ] Cuba
[ ] Alaska
[] Hawaii
[ ] Greenland
[ ] China
[ ] Japan
[ ] Switzerland
[ ] Netherlands
[ ] Italy
[ ] Greece
[ ] Spain
[] Austria
[ ] Scotland
[x] The Bahamas
[] Jamaica
[] Aruba
[ ] Bermuda
[ ] Cayman Islands
[] Virgin Islands
[] Puerto Rico
[] Africa
[ x] Canada
[ ] Russia/ Former USSR Counties
[ ] luxembourg
[ ] orleans
[ ] portugal




TWO'S OF EVERY KIND
Two Names You Go By Other Than Your Real Name
1. Mitch E
2. Frank

Two Things That Scare You
1. rejection.
2. girls enacting the previous answer.

Two Daily Routines
1. frisbee.
2. procrastination with schoolwork, instead of actually doing what needs to be done.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. my "emo" sweater.
2. the old standby checkerboards

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
I don't even want to think of myself in a relationship right now. i am too damn selfish.

Two Things that Appeal to You In a guy/girl
1. good taste in music
2. ability to hold good conversation on a wide range of subjects and to actually have an opinion on the stupid crap that I think about at random intervals.


Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Listening to music, building my musical acumen.
2. follwing sports like there is no tommorow.


Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To control my emotions and stop the stupid roller coaster.
2. To understand the fundamental truths of the universe.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. France!
2. British Isles

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. God, how cliche is it to say "find true love"? Well, find true love...
2. understand myself a little bit better.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. I feel like I am in 9th grade filling this stupid crap out
2. The Juliana Theory is playing... I am in high school again pining over lame stuff.

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
A lot of people I am sure. I am far too out of sight out of mind.


Two favorite drinks? (other than water)
1. Cardamom Tea, especially from Cafe Shisha
2. Second place tie with alot of stuff... Coke, sprite, Chai latte's, Pinot Noir

Two Reasons ur doing this survey
1. Nostalgia
2. maybe someone will understand me more than they would from reading one of my rambling entries

So, by my estimation there are roughly 5 days until Valentine's Day. I don't know the particulars of how I feel about that, however I know it bothers me. I must be a very petty person because I know I will be alone to some degree on V-day this year, and I don't like that, but only in a selfish way of course. Then again, I know full well that I lack the desire, intensity, passion and overall ability to sustain a relationship for longer than 5 minutes. I understand that everyone just enjoys being liked, so why do I feel like an ass for being so normal? I suppose it is the case that I shouldn't want to be normal, I certainly know that I haven't always been such a fan of the crowd; but now I seem to just find solace in it. I wasn't always so self centered. I think it must be a new development, something akin to me telling the world, and everyone in it, screw you I am going to live for me for a while, consequences be damned.

Does that make me a bad person? Sure does, more than likely. Then again, by such a criteria we probably all are bad people (I hear the Calvinists all nodding in agreement). So, with such a grand pronouncement, where am I left? I don't know, and my lack of knowledge is an infuriating trend it would seem. I am bothered by meaning, which is probably silly, and there are so many more worthwhile worries to be worried about. Nevertheless, it is always easier to worry about something annoyingly highbrowed, than the concerns of every day life. So, I prefer to wonder whether there really is an overarching metaphysical purpose to the universe. Naturally, it all hinges on the existence of God.

I do believe that God exists, but at the same time I comprehend and at times share the concerns of the many atheist philosophers. I love reading Russell particularly because of his writings on materialism and atheistic ethics. I know it probably should find such a concept to be unfeasible, but I can't shake it as possible. At any rate, I can at least appreciate someone who, like Nietzsche, rejects the nihilism which would be so easy to fall into in an atheistic universe. Nihilism bothers me. I think that could be because I can feel its appeal to me at times when I doubt the most. Then again, I understand just how stupid it is, and how I find it impossible to accept that existence is basically meaningless. It may be true (and is) that I undergo a nice existential crisis about once a month. However, when it comes down to it, I do believe there must be some meaning to my life, or on a grander scale existence as a whole.

Looking at this entry, it is me in a nutshell, I guess. I can complain about stupid BS and then quickly turn around and contemplate something so grandiose as the overall meaning of the universe. I do all of that under the framework of my neglect for the many important things that I make a sad habit of forgetting about. That seems to be alot of what the new me is all about- I take that back, that is the new me at my worst. Of course, it is all to easy for me to criticize, even when it is myself. I have difficulty with self evaluation, at the same time I have trouble trusting others evaluation of me as well, which makes it a lose-lose situation. I would say that I need to find myself, but that seems to presuppose that there is something to find, some essential quality or qualities that make me Mitch (give me Mitchiness). I know that I have a great ability to change, so I am not sure that there is some set of essential qualities to be understood and defined as me.

Here are some truths to end the entry.

I am a mess. I have fun. I live each day with moderate abandon. I enjoy things more than I used to, so I think at times. I don't know the last time I experienced joy. I don't have it together, but no one really does. I am tired. I am wide awake. I want to know the truth. I don't really care enough to search for it.

I just like attention. All other concerns are auxillary.

I feel like soliloquizing for a bit. And since I'm the only one here, I cannot be stopped. I dislike complicated genre names, they just freaking bother me. Sure, there is a reason to make the distinction between Rock, Jazz, Blues and Country. I accept that, though I realize that Rock in many ways is an amalgam of the latter 3. Then, I also am ok with the fact that Rock needs to be subdivided into things like Metal, Hardcore, Punk and such. No real problems here, until we get extremely abstruse. First of all, I may be unsophisticated but I don't know what Indie is all about, even though I use the term all the time.

Fine, indie is about culture to a degree, just like punk and metal, at the same time it’s got to be about the music. At times, bands that are equally "indie" are completely dissimilar to each other. That bothers me. Then, the real music snobs try to get extremely technical: terms like "metalcore", "deathcore" "emocore", and any other combination of "insert-subgenre core". Then, there are strange and overbearing ones such as "baroque pop". What is that really? What are the parameters? Post Punk: what on earth? Shoegazer I get, even if I used to lump that in with indie... how foolish of me, I apologize.

Maybe it is because I am not elite enough to understand what is really going on. If I was, then I would understand the need for a million subcategories to so perfectly describe each and every band. It's just that with each attempt to so perfectly describe the vibe put out by a particular artist, it really seems to be counter productive to the growth in artisty which everyone should be allowed to go through. Sure, maturity is acceptable, but it seems silly to have to come up with a new term to describe each new album.

I guess I'm just nostalgic for an era which I never experienced and probably wouldn't have appreciated if I had lived through it. Ok, rant over, why can't we just listen to Rock music, enjoy it and call it a day? Well, either that or have you checked out this new band, they play an interesting form of pre-industrial-post-hard-core-post-modern-pop-dreamcore with definite allusions to their immediate predecessors who pioneered lo-fi-core. :) Ignore me. Thanks.

"Question everything"

Why?

"The only constant is change."

Well, that’s confusing, isn't it?

"One cannot know anything, not even that one cannot know."

OK, meaning what? We can't know anything? Damn it.


Perspective, change, paradox and flux are all permanently on my mind. I can't shake it, because I want something to hold on to. I want something concrete and permanent, but I can't find it. Maybe I am just weak (I know I am weak), but it seems like I'm not certain of much of anything. It is the case that I am nothing more than a spoiled kid with nothing better to do with his time then contemplate the very nature of reality... and then shrug it off again the next time a cute girl catches my eye or there is a basketball game on TV. Really, that is me to a great extent.

I asked a good friend, what am I known for. Her response was that I am "the smart one". Maybe it’s just because I am somewhat down on myself these days, but I took this complement rather poorly. Quite honestly I don't feel very smart, and definitely no smarter than any of my friends. Sure, I know a lot about history, can BS my way around a Philosophy discussion, and know a decent amount of odd facts. When my emotional pendulum swings back towards overconfidence (tomorrow) I will probably able to say that I am a smart guy; but today is something different. Today I feel like if I am known as the smart one, and then crap, if I'm not appreciably smarter than anyone then I really am unremarkable in general, hmm.

How is that related? Well, to me it takes the esoteric debate on certainty and makes it personal, even if it signifies me as being an emo-philosophy nerd. I will probably die alone, but that is a discussion for later! Really, I find it hard to trust people's opinions sometimes. That’s nothing new, no one always trusts others opinions, it just isn't smart. But at the same time, I really like being able to trust what other people have to say, especially if it is a matter of personal interest. It is interesting to hear what people think of you, and compare it to how you feel about yourself.

As I sit here, I am dumbstruck by my lack of emotional connection. It is surprising that someone like me, who used to wear their emotional state on their sleeve, is so far gone these days. I really don't know what caused it, but I know that it is the case. I shudder to think that I really don't care, because it would be utterly inhuman. But, I know that I should have all sorts of very normal human emotions which I simply don't have right now. My cousin died today, DIED. God, how terrible is that? I feel sad, but not in the way I really should for a death. Honestly, maybe I just deal with separation and loss differently.

I have always been one to make a joke to ease tension in sad or difficult situations. Could it be an extension of that, that I could be so callous? I hope so. Then again, it could be that I really don't care and never did. It could be that I really am so self serving that I could cut someone that I love out of my life, and that I could feel so little about the death of a family member. If I have sunk to those depths, then I am in a sorry state.

But that doesn't compute. I do feel, and I do care about things. It is just that the things that have great emotional pull are the little things that I should appreciate, but not make my entire life. The pleasantries of conversation, good music and other such things. Beautiful days, spending time with friends, Looking at stars on a clear night, all of these things are those which hold my heart and my interest right now. From the looks of it, I am nothing more than a common hedonist, with blander taste than most of my type.

If that is who I am, then I dislike myself. I wouldn't want to be around me, and certainly wouldn't want to be good friends with me. So, I will continue to look into the matter of who the hell I am. Of course, this raises another issue: is there any sort of "essential" self? I don't know what I think on that matter. I do know that I change constantly, and really I will have a whole new outlook on life tomorrow. We grow as people and never stay complacent, no matter how much we try to stay in place. I don't know if that actually gives me any hope of not being a terrible person, but it’s a start. At least I know this: I have cared before, I can always change.

Where I am now, here. That’s about all I have to say about that. I am a decent person, I am enjoying my life. Maybe my enjoyment is to self centered, but that’s how it goes I guess. So, eventually that will come full circle and I will start giving back, I guess I'm not there yet. If it seems like I am being selfish, it is because I am. Blatant disregard for others just so I can figure myself out, (perhaps only to find there isn't much to figure out) can't be disguised as anything else but selfishness. But, that is what I am right now, and will be for a while. Well, thinking is good exercise. Tomorrow I will be playing Frisbee, also good for me. Goodnight.

This is not going to be a very streamlined entry. Terribly sorry, though I'm pretty certain I am alone in here as it is, so I suppose it doesn't matter. So, January is pretty much over, I am basing this on the fact that my milk (expiration date Jan. 22) has gone bad and I had to throw it out. Well, to be completely honest, there are other signs that the first month of 2006 is mostly over. I am back to being my old self. I like where I am most of the time, but now and again I am plagued by self doubt. I seem to be fighting several different patterns which continue to fight over supremacy within me.

The first is my desire to be a disconnected and lucid critic of all that is around me. I really enjoy being the Jack Nicholson type character, with a leering smile and an ability to manipulate my surroundings while remaining above the fray of ordinary life and its entire inconvenient emotionalism. Well, as much as I try to be this person, no one is. The problem is of course that I can't avoid emotion. Ha, as if anyone would really see this as desirable. I guess a lot of it has to do with how lazy I am.

I guess it is time for a weekly self analysis. So, what do I want? I know that I want to enjoy each day for what it is; and not as means to an end. I know that I don't feel very trusting of personal relationships. The funny thing is, it isn't because of anything that has been done to me, but rather the pain I know that I am capable of inflicting. Let me qualify that; I don't want to be in any sort of personal relationship, because really it is much easier to not be, at least in some respects. I feel like a complete bastard sometimes because my attitude towards the people I am closest too, and should care the most about. Seems to me, that the easiest solution is to avoid it all from the get-go. Of course, I still enjoy hanging out, and all of the comforts of having close friends, but lately I feel pretty damn distant. I guess a lot of this is romantic in nature (isn't it always?) I would really to avoid all of the distractions of the fairer sex. This is completely hopeless, and as I type this I have to laugh at myself for attempting to try. I guess I am a pretty normal person. But, I realize these days more than ever that I couldn't be in a relationship- I just don't have the desire to sustain one.

I guess a lot of this kind of gets to the heart of another thing that bothers me about myself these days. I really dislike naivety, but I think the reason why I am so critical of it in others is because I have so much of it in myself. I guess that is the classic maneuver, to dislike in others what is a problem for oneself. Well, really much of my naivety is disgustingly self imposed. I was certainly sheltered my mother growing up and a lot of that really shielded me from the "real world" whatever that is. I am at a loss for any sold examples of exactly where my naivety has taken hold, but I know that it very pervasive in my very worldview. At the same time, it really gets under my skin to see it in other people. I think that that must make me a bit of a creep.

While I am piling on, on myself I may as well end on another negative. I guess this affects all aspects of me, but I am very fickle. When it comes to hobbies, people, or well anything. I become extremely passionate and involved in something, only to lose interest rapidly, and eventually drop it all together. This is something that I have always done; but then again I guess everyone does to some extent. When I was a freshman, I was completely engrossed in Lord of the Rings, but dropped it ridiculously quickly and in a matter of days I had almost nothing to do with it. I've done this with all sorts of things, baseball cards... politics... and yes, I can do it with people too. I am terrible with people. I have written about that before, so I will spare a regurgitation of the details, but I can take people out of my life with disturbing precision. Sometimes I wonder just how close I can actually get to a person- I don't know.

So, essentially, I guess the theme which developed in the entry is that I am not in a position to actually be a good people person these days. I love my friends, but I guess I fear for them! I like my cynicism, if only to counteract my naivety. I like girls, but that is no great admission. I need to be alone, but I don't enjoy it or have the courage to do anything that is good for me these days. Either that, or this whole post is born of a long day, and I just need to sleep. Hmm, we'll see.

I got into a car accident today. It definitely wasn't my fault, but I feel terrible about it. I shouldn't, I know this.. but I do. Oh well, I guess things could be worse. Insurance will cover things, it would seem. As of now the worst matter is that the hit my car took makes it impossible to open the damn drivers side door; the immediate ramifications of this is that I have to look like a complete fool climbing in and out of the passenger side door when I want to use the car. This sucks, but as Mae pointed out today, maybe some girl will think it's cute. I have my doubts, but I suppose I'll find out and report back. Fortunately for me, it was a low impact hit and no one was hurt. It just wasn't a pleasant way to return to Tallahassee.

I apologize for this undue trip into current affairs, I only wanted this journal around to give voice to the more theoretical things that spin unorganized in my head. However, this is sort of a big deal, so I figured it has its place. I will try to avoid it in the future, because if there is one thing i dislike are the LJ's that meticulously chronicle the exact goings on of someone’s boring day. Anyway...

I don't want to face the future these days. This may as well be the follow up to my recent writings on my enjoying the moment, but I really don't want things to change. Of course, how often do I feel like things should stay the same, and if they change then I will dislike that change? Too often I have taken the conservationist route expecting to dislike any future changes. When change arrives, perhaps not surprisingly I have actually come to enjoy where change took me, and though I have come to appreciate change much much more in the past year or so; I find myself unwilling to face it now.

Of course much of this is natural. Who would willingly want to leave their relatively free and unencumbered Undergraduate days for the torture that is Grad School? No one. So, really all this could be is my desire to live an easy and pampered life. Some of it is certainly how I am only now really appreciating my college days, that is for many reasons, that I have already written about. When I was in high school and people told me about college it was always the same, "enjoy it while you are there, you'll never get to go through it again". Back then, my reflexive reaction was that, 4 years is a freaking long time, it will practically never end. Well, 4 years turned into 3 years, much of which was spent planning for what I thought would come next. I never really enjoyed college for the full process it is supposed to be. I didn't enjoy where I am often enough.

So really, I guess all it is is regret I am feeling. But there is no real way to rectify it. I am doing what I can to enjoy my last semester and take it one day at a time, however January is almost over and February must then follow. Oh well, chances are next Fall I will be in Graduate School somewhere. I know I will enjoy myself, so I guess I will suck it up and find something more worthwhile to worry about.

One thing that I have been dealing with lately is my own proclivity toward egoism. I know I've written on it before, but it is a constant struggle for me. I honestly don't know what I believe, whether for humanity, or myself. The better part of me wants to believe that we can out of selflessness. Such a belief permeates our culture, and indeed is the very backbone of Christianity. The concept of love itself depends on it; but at the same time... God I can be all too manipulative. I have been told that I can be a genuinely kind person, and sometimes I even believe it.

Of course, there is no structure to this entry. I guess it doesn't matter, and I can have an avant-garde post if I want. Or maybe it is better described as ala carte. I don't know and I don't think it matters.

I have lately come to the realization that I don't have goals right now. What does that mean? The last semester of my senior year is probably the worst time to suddenly lack destination, but that is where I find myself, in some aspects of my life. I have always been goal oriented, at least when it comes to the big picture, its what keeps me going forward and makes me wake up in the morning; or does it? I always thought so anyway, but things do change. One moderately distressing thing that I have noticed by looking back at myself is how these "life guiding" goals have been so easy to turn my back on. Certainly, a lot of that is merely growing up.

My earliest plans were those pretty common to little kids, the desire to be a fireman was the earliest memory I have. Naturally, this faded quickly. In elementary school, I was certain that I was going to be a pro baseball player. By the time 7th grade rolled around, my certainty was much more inhibited by reality; sort of. Junior High and High School was filled with chasing other pipe dreams, particularly the plethora of bands that Jon and I tried, and tried and tried to start. We failed every time; I have never been in a successful band. Oh well, it really doesn't bother me right now.

I don't mean to say that these various plans that I made as a kid show anything other than that I am a pretty average, normal person who has dreams and goals, but discards them pretty easily. As I got older of course I matured my vision for my future and but really all this did was raise the stakes; oh and got other people involved. Falling in love is the greatest thing in the world. Breaking up; and the deadening of the senses may be the worst, several times I think I would have preferred death, though I am glad I am still here now.

Saving the bloody details of a long complicated and disputed ordeal; I fell in love with an amazing girl and was completely convinced of our future together. Well, that relationship did not work out for a multitude of reasons, none of which are pertinent or appropriate for this forum. More to the point of this entry. My relationship was very goal oriented, maybe too much, I don't know. But at the time, goals were part of the entire ordeal. I feel the need to add here that I know how selfish I can be, and it is something I grapple with frequently, and I think that perhaps goals themselves can sometimes deaden the human element of a relationship. But it was so because I, like many people, really have relied on self imposed structure in order to move forward on anything. Certainly planning is a good and extremely useful thing, but when it leads to broken dreams then disillusionment follows.

This leads me to my point, (finally!) that right now I am goalless. I say that without the slightest bit of nihilism or really any sort of despair or unhappiness. Quite honestly it is liberating to be able to live day by day, and approach each experience for what it is, and not for what it should mean in the predetermined schema of my utterly structured life. Maybe that is the very definition of selfishness; maybe all it means is that I am living a blissfully self indulgent life, with wanton disregard for others roles in my life. I can probably accept that as at least partially true. At the same time I feel that even as I don't know what I really want out of life I can still be a good friend and loyal and all of those things.

That isn't to say that I am totally sans structure. In a large degree, I do have plans and direction. I go to class every day, and have no intention to fail a course any time soon. I will be going to grad school next fall (knock on wood). And really I am somewhat sure of what I want to do with my life; I at least know that I am passionate about history enough to pursue it as a career. These professional and career goals aren’t really what I am trying to get at though. I think that they are really pressed by necessity, because of the equation, job=money=food. As far as my personal life goes, there is nothing that I really desire as far as the long term goes. Strange to say, but I like merely existing, and accepting change as it comes. I like the pleasures of good conversation, of taking walks by myself and of doing a million small things that I didn't when my life was so teleologically inclined.

So this gets me back to a position where I am coming across as almost unabashedly hedonistic. Then again, I am my own accuser here. The more time I spend defending myself from myself, the more I come across as trying to hide something. No, I have no skeletons in my closet. The only things I have there right now are the clothes that I don't feel like washing tonight, because I am far too lazy. Laziness could indeed hold part key to my being ok with my lack of direction. Because really, I am insanely lazy, in a write-a-20-page-paper-in-a-day sort of way. Could it be that I simply got tired of having goals and then having to do actual work to achieve them? Yes, that could be it, quite honestly.

If not that, then it could be something slightly more promising for my chances on being a decent human being. It could simply be that it is better to not live ones life for 10 years down the road, but experience each day for what it is of itself and nothing more. Yet as I write it, I realize there must be a compromise between the two. Goals are necessary, and can coexist with actually enjoyment of the here and now. How I can manage to do this is a different matter, but at least I realize it is out there... somewhere. The problem for me now is how I can actually find a good goal for myself, without it being so stifling that I find myself crushed by its weight. I guess it takes an ambiguous plan, with room for improvement and improvisation. God, but that is so theoretical. I still don't know what I want from next week, and then again, maybe I do.

Thinking positive: I want to be able to meet new people, and I want to continue doing the things that I enjoy. I want to enjoy good weather, when it exists. I want to continue developing friendships, and being there when people need someone to talk to. There are plenty of things that I want; I would never characterize them as goals, but as individual actions of themselves. For the long term, for now, I want happiness. For myself, I would like to be able to be content with who I am (how elusive that is), and be someone that has worth.

But life isn't all about self gratification, no matter how hard I try to make it such. There are plenty of unpleasant things that are inexorably part of everyone’s existence. How on earth does this get reconciled with what I said about what I enjoy and what I want? I'm not sure, other than the knowledge that to be a good person, self sacrifice is a necessary, and in many ways welcome thing. It makes me able to in some way identify with all that is decent in the world. But, I know that I fall far short of whatever altruistic ideal I may hold. At the same time, I have the capacity in me to be altruistic- I just get in the way of myself too often. But, at the same time- if someone is in need, I am not a cold hearted bastard and lend a hand. That doesn't make me a saint, but just a human.

So where am I going? I don't know, and I guess I never did. Maybe I understand what I am doing much better now, then all of the times when I swore I knew all that the future had in store. Honestly, the surprise of the future is much more exciting than worrying about perceived inevitabilities that I then feel the need to fulfill. Someday, the future will get here, I will perhaps make more enduring plans, about something substantial, and then things will be good, or better. Life is a good and precious thing, and though I am not particularly poetic (or even like poetry, really) I am glad to be here, wherever here is, and am looking forward to tomorrow. Whatever tomorrow happens to be; it’s just a strange and warm feeling to actually look forward to the next day. Good Lord I am overly sentimental about the strangest things, while lacking emotion on the objectively more important ones. Good night.

First, let me say that I really like music. I would even say that I am passionate about it. It is the one artistic expression that I "get" on some level, maybe because it is so accessible, I don't know. But I have been playing music, listening too it in an active and explorative sense for a long while. But I have been struggling with it lately. I suppose that my problem is proto-Benthamite; I am bothered by just how much good music exists in the world, and that while I listen to alot of music, I will never get it all. I will always be missing out on the next big thing, and am seemingly out of the loop on so much right now as it is. One thing that has perhaps skewed my perspective on music (skewed seems to pejorative, how about "influenced") is that when I was in my formative music listening years I was restricted by my parents to only listening to "Christian" music. While on the whole, this wasn't a good thing, from either an artistic stand point, or from a more generally qualitative sense, there are still a lot of good bands in the Christian scene, some of which I listen too today.

This background really influenced and affected my introduction to music and really art in general. Christian music at its worst is not artistic at all, but only another proselytizing tool. This attitude, that music is only a tool towards some other goal is readily embraced by many circles (and by myself at one point) but is completely divergent from what artistic musical expression should be all about. But of course, that view is based on nothing more than my own perspective on the issue, even though it seems to be a consensus, does it make it correct? Art should be an honest expression of the artists self. If that’s the case, and the musician really is a hard core devotee to Christianity (or anything) then I suppose to some degree an album which subordinates the music to the message of spreading the faith would be legitimate art. I am torn by this to this day, even as I recognize the limiting nature of this approach.

At any rate, by high school I was finally on my own and listening to fairly well whatever the heck I wanted too. I went through a somewhat protracted punk phase, mostly because well... I wanted to think that I was punk rock. I wasn't. Eventually I decided that I wasn't punk at all (good choice, by my estimation) and started to exclusively listen and collect oldies and classic rock. This is where I finally began to acquire depth and knowledge of what is really widely thought to be good music. To this day, I prefer the great artists of yesteryear, and think that the Beatles are the greatest band in history. Also at this time, I got into emo quite a bit; but I blame that on my romantic ineptitude and nothing else really. But I have always had the capacity to be a whiny emo kid in the worst way.

Well, that was a mostly unnecessary autobiography. Moving on, I say all of that to say- I really like music; but I am not good at keeping up with all of the new stuff that keeps assailing us all. I feel much more comfortable with listening to good old music, with bands that once you exhaust their catalogue, you are done because they broke up in 1972 or something. A lot of it may be laziness, pure and simple. I don't have the time and energy to invest in keeping up with music. I know what I like, and damn it, I am going to listen to it.

Lately, well since the summer, I have started picking different peoples minds; those who I think have good taste in music and really trying to immerse myself in good music that I missed out on or wasn't aware of. Since then, I have begun to despair. I have always prided myself in being eclectic. I like the fact that if there is a genre out there, I will listen to it, and appreciate it; well, not rap core. But I am struck how woefully impossible it is to really have a good grasp on the music world. Unless you really are a completely devoted music person then it is so difficult to gain an appreciation for, much less an authoritative grasp on all of the multitudes of music out there.

Really, I am someone who spends a great deal of time investigating music, and I feel just so behind so often. Certainly, it isn't a contest; though if it was I feel like I'm loosing. Music is supposed to be about identification, about enjoyment and other things in that vein, that people with better descriptive powers can wax poetic on. I quipped the other day, and I think it adequately describes me right now; "I am too busy listening to the music I'm supposed to like, to listen to the music that I do like". That’s not always how I feel, but it is when I am at my most cynical. I honestly have a great deal of admiration for those who have a more thorough knowledge of music than I do, even if I deny that it is true at the time.

To sum up, there is a hell of a lot of good music out there. Some of it, I listen too. Others of it I don't. Maybe eventually I will get curious and investigate, maybe a kind soul will force me to listen, or maybe 30 years down the road I will finally check out some album that was ground breaking when I was in college and I will come to know it then. I guess it doesn't matter. It seems that there have got to more pressing concerns keeping me up at night other than this, but its something that has been in the back of my mind bothering me for a while. Chances are, I will never listen to the vast majority of the worthwhile music out there. For now, I am ok with having a lot of my time and effort invested in a few specific sub-genres and bands. I will listen to my classic rock, and continue to expand my collection. Occasionally, when convenience or curiocity strikes me, maybe I'll check out a band or two that are supposed to be pretty good. I suppose a temporary peace should be made with the fact that, hey, I'll never listen too all of the good music in the world. That should be ok, no one expects that. I listen to darn good music, some crappy music and it’s high time I just enjoyed it. If I can't manage to do that, then why listen to music in the first place? Oh of course, I forgot, its to aid in the search for the ULTIMATE aim away message quote. The elusive one that will show all the world just how deep and meaningful my away status really is.

Its just about 4 am, and I just got home. I am in a strange mood, that which thankfully comes about once in a while, where I feel I am able to at least partially put off my pretense enough to be honest with myself. So, I just want to write and see what comes of it. First things first, I would prefer to not go to another party, since my ability to interact is so amazingly limited. I feel frozen, which probably isn't the best emotion; every time I attempt to go to one of those things, I just can't become comfortable and would much rather fade away and not be seen. This doesn't seem to bode well for my ability to meet new people, does it? Well, I don't have a problem meeting new people really, I just have a problem with parties, or at least certain types of them. I don't even know though, really. It could well be that I have so masterfully typecast myself into feeling a certain way, and now I "have" to react according to the way which I am supposed to act.

One of many things which bother me; my feeling that I am really no different from anyone else. On one hand, sure I am a unique individual and all of that bs. Conversly, how much of what I experience is any different from everyone else on a substantial level. The fact that this bothers me probably goes to show how damn self absorbed I am. But geeze, on some level I want to stand out, but certainly I am not doing anything really to further my cause. Oh well, thats how it goes I guess.

At any rate, I do take myself far to seriously. I typically balance that with halting self doubt, and keeping the two in check is enough to drive me, and others, up the proverbial wall. I think that I will eventually achieve some sort of harmony; maybe not. I know that plenty of people take me seriously, and when I take a break from thinking about my own temporal happiness I appreciate the kindness of others. I guess I really am a base hedonist and I go from indulgence to indulgence. I would like to think that I am able to be genuinely kind, and can actually be considerate of others feelings, independant of positive ramifications for me- I don't really know, to be honest.

I am a pretty nice guy though, whatever that means. I am polite, cordial and respectful- how much of that is just because such polity is what gets the same out of others, and thus benificial for me? God, thats pretty messed up, but possible I suppose.

Anyway, there is no real unifying theme to this, other than the inane ramblings of a self-imposedly lonely and tired individual who would really like to figure somthing out; especially if it gives some hope.


(after reading what I just wrote I feel the need to add an addendum to my entry)

Yes, I had an interesting night. I am not willing to call it bad, because it wasn't really... I guess uncomfortable works. But geeze, I really am not that gloomy that often, I just had alot on my mind. Good lord I can be quite cliché. Goodnight.

I decided a while back that if I could come up with a good enough name for a livejournal, I would start posting my thoughts. Well, I came up with "aromantic" today, and I really liked the tension it created in my mind. It really does seem to be very "me", someone who can be a romantic, or aromantic (not romantic). I liked it.

Part of me would really like to be the Rex Harrison-esque (My Fair Lady) confirmed old bachelor; but then I realize- damn, no... for better or for worse I like romance and love; all of the inherent insecurities and whatnot will have to be dealt with. So there you have it, I am either aromantic in the sense of a sappy, overly emo drenched, walking cliché of a 20 year old. Less often, I make faltering attempts at cynicism, and try to put off all of my mundane romantic impulses for a more reasoned and dispassionate approach to life. This doesn't last long, for good or for ill.

The ironic twist in all of this is how academic all of this is for me; I have had one worthwhile relationship, recently ended. I am not exactly what one could describe as a romantic person; awkward, yes. And I am excellent when it comes to insecurity. Confidence comes and goes, but I don't know. At any rate, I may be to hard on myself, I tend to be.

Getting back on track, aromantic doesn’t speak only to my relationships, as sparse as they may be. I think that it really refers to the general tension that I (as do most people) experience. I am a passionate person... but only sometimes. It seems like I am just comfortable getting by, whether it be in school, my personal relationships, or otherwise. At the same time I have the propensity for ardor towards many other things. It just depends on the day, what I will be passionate about and what I will put on the backburner. It doesn't seem to be the way to live ones life.

So, where am I now? I'm not sure; I am experiencing many changes, some of which I relish and need others which make me nostalgic and sad. Nostalgia is by far my least favorite emotion (well, second behind abject terror) but with nostalgia, there is no real fix- you can't change the past, or recover it in any real sense. So we are left with our glossed over rosy memories of the good times, which are good to recover when things are good but can be quite torturous when things are bad. Impromptu soliloquies aside, I am just a guy who thinks a lot; with a sense of over importance and self aggrandizement- tempered by self depreciation. With a strong sense of self, most of the time- but that’s how it goes I guess.

I don't really expect people to read this, but after one post, it feels good to write out what has previously been left unorganized in my most unorganized head.